The past year has been hell. No really, pure hell. In one week I heard "you have bone marrow lesions consistent with lymphoma", "you might have cancer and need to go to the oncologist", "on top of everything else you have a massive Lyme infection." So, when the effects of Lyme destroyed my memory and cognitive functions I realized I was just going to have to laugh at the things that happened. So when my daughter would yell at me "Daisey is the dog, I am Izzy" I felt horrible but still had to laugh. I kid my fiance that he should be thrilled I only called him the wrong name a couple of times.
As my treatment for Lyme continued I spoke to my doctors and decided I wanted to eliminate whatever medications I could and take a more natural approach to healing (hindsight this was not the most brillant decision.) So my fiance and I met with my ob/gyn and discussed options that didn't involve hormones being released on a daily basis. After much discussion we decided on a diaphragm (again with hindsight this was not smart.) Now I am educated and think I know a lot about sex but I had never seen or handled a diaphragm before. All I know is when the doctor explained there were sizes I prayed to God that I wasn't an XL. Yes, I am that immature. Once I was measured (thank you God for making me a normal size) and the doctor showed us how to properly insert the diaphragm he then proceeded to warn us that it's really slippery and if you don't insert it properly it can shoot across the room. My doc and fiance thought this was hysterical, I was like a deer in headlights. then came the warning that because of it's shape it can actually stick to the wall if it goes shooting across the room. At this point I should have opted for another method of birth control. After much laughter I headed out to the store to pick up my diaphragm and contraceptive gel to go with it. (don't ask why but I find it weird that the contraceptive gel says unflavored on it. I mean it's not Mad Dog, I wasn't looking to get the grape flavor.)
I now know that the male pharmacist and the very young tech are scared shitless of the word diaphragm. And if you ask "is this the right contraceptive gel to go with that" they will start whispering, looking confused, and start referring to your diaphragm as "that thing." As in, "I'm not sure if that goes with that thing your doctor ordered." I was tempted to yell "Can you tell me if this unflavored contraceptive gel goes with my new diaphragm cause I am trying to have some mind-blowing sex tonight." I resisted the temptation.
After using the diaphragm for a while I was loving life. It's awesome. Or it was until I couldn't find it. When you have short term memory loss you begin to really try to be organized, put things back where you found them, etc... So when my fiance and I went to have sex I went to get my diaphragm out of it's case.... It wasn't there (oh shit did the kids find it, did the dog eat it, did I accidently throw it away). So I search for a while with no luck and we go to plan B, you know oral sex. After my fiance leaves to go to work I start searching the house high and low looking for the damn thing. After about 4 hrs I say to myself "where was the last place I saw the diaphragm?" This is when shear panic hits me... The last time it was in my hand was the last time we had sex and I put it inside of me. (enter the little voice in my head praying to God I don't find it still inside of me.) 5 minutes later I send my fiance this text message "I found my diaphragm." He replies "oh thats good, where was it." My response "in me", his response "WHAT???" This was followed by a series of text messages while we try to figure out when we last had sex and keep in mind we are parents so I am lucky to know what I did yesterday. This was followed by me calling the ob/gyn. Now, I seriously think I should no longer have to pay co-pays because I have provided my ob/gyn with stories he can take to conferences and humor all the rest of the crotch doctors. Once I was assured my uterus wasn't going to fall out or any other crazy shit that ran through my head I send my fiance a message telling him not to worry, the doctor said everything will be ok.
We laugh about this all the time which is really all you can do. I mean, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. But now everytime I get some, I also get a text message about 8 hrs later reminding me to take my diaphragm out.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
How my daughter makes me feel like an idiot
In the last week twice my daughter has made me feel really really dumb. First came a discussion about the use of scissors. Last weekend when my daughter was with her daddy I accidently cut my hand with a pair of scissors. When she came back from daddy's I was using a pair of scissors and the following conversation took place:
Child: "Mommy, are you old enough to use scissors?"
Me: "Yes monkey why?"
Child: "I'm not allowed to use scissors yet cause I'm too little."
Me: "Thats right. We have to be really careful with scissors and make sure we don't accidently cut ourselves with them."
Child: "Well how come you are allowed to use scissors when you aren't careful and cut yourself? Maybe you should let an adult cut stuff for you from now on so you don't hurt yourself."
Later in the week I hear a crash in the house (compliments of our Basset Hound puppy). Upone hearing the crash the following dialogue takes place....
Me: "what the hell was that?"
Child: "Mommy you need to go to time out."
Me: "Excuse me"
Child: "Mommy, we don't say hell we say heck. If you say hell you have to go to time out. I will come and get you after you have thought about it for a while."
I think the following statement pretty much sums up my life... Do what I say, not what I do.
Child: "Mommy, are you old enough to use scissors?"
Me: "Yes monkey why?"
Child: "I'm not allowed to use scissors yet cause I'm too little."
Me: "Thats right. We have to be really careful with scissors and make sure we don't accidently cut ourselves with them."
Child: "Well how come you are allowed to use scissors when you aren't careful and cut yourself? Maybe you should let an adult cut stuff for you from now on so you don't hurt yourself."
Later in the week I hear a crash in the house (compliments of our Basset Hound puppy). Upone hearing the crash the following dialogue takes place....
Me: "what the hell was that?"
Child: "Mommy you need to go to time out."
Me: "Excuse me"
Child: "Mommy, we don't say hell we say heck. If you say hell you have to go to time out. I will come and get you after you have thought about it for a while."
I think the following statement pretty much sums up my life... Do what I say, not what I do.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Things I really really want...
1. Lululemon scoop neck tank
2. Lululemon studio crop
3. Lululemon flow and go tote
4. Michael Kors Oversized Madison Chronograph Glitz watch Zebra
5. Jee Vice sunglasses
6. a new laptop that is light weight
7. Sam Edelman Gigi sandals
8. Manolo Blahnik Hangisi mule
2. Lululemon studio crop
3. Lululemon flow and go tote
4. Michael Kors Oversized Madison Chronograph Glitz watch Zebra
5. Jee Vice sunglasses
6. a new laptop that is light weight
7. Sam Edelman Gigi sandals
8. Manolo Blahnik Hangisi mule
More things I can't live without
1. my iPhone
2. my laptop
3. kettlebells
4. my trainer
5. my mom planner (you know so I can keep track of everyones schedule)
6. all of my abduction bags (seriously moms need huge purses so we can carry around everyones crap)
7. my Clarisonic
8. Benefit They're Real mascara
9. Bare Esecentuals make up
10. StriVectin skincare products
11. Hanae Mori Butterfly perfume
2. my laptop
3. kettlebells
4. my trainer
5. my mom planner (you know so I can keep track of everyones schedule)
6. all of my abduction bags (seriously moms need huge purses so we can carry around everyones crap)
7. my Clarisonic
8. Benefit They're Real mascara
9. Bare Esecentuals make up
10. StriVectin skincare products
11. Hanae Mori Butterfly perfume
Friday, February 24, 2012
Some of my favorite things
1. Lululemon clothing
2. Zella clothing
3. Jee Vice Sunglasses
4. Michael Kors watches and purses
5. Paige Premium denim
6. It's a 10 hair products
7. Sephora
8. My Manolo Blahniks
9. Sam Edelman shoes
2. Zella clothing
3. Jee Vice Sunglasses
4. Michael Kors watches and purses
5. Paige Premium denim
6. It's a 10 hair products
7. Sephora
8. My Manolo Blahniks
9. Sam Edelman shoes
02/24/12 Storm Damage
Acronyms and Definitions
I feel it necessary to provide a list of acronyms/definitions so everyone can keep up with me. If I offended you yesterday, stop reading immediately and go see my posts from earlier today which are clean. Thanks.
1. AB - Abduction bag aka a purse large enough to sneak 1 newborn or twin preemies out of a hospital without being caught.
2. BJ - seriously? If you don't know exit this page right ...now.
3. GDD (my favorite of ALL acronyms) the good deep dicking
4. OTR - on the rag and this term is not used just for women.
5. DC - Devil child (you know the kids I'm talking about)
6. BM - obviously there are 2 definitions here but the one I am likely to use is Baby Momma as in Baby Momma drama.
7. "My bitches" - the whole gang of Disney Princess's
8. Hell - any communal gathering place of children like Chuckie Cheese, the play area in the mall, etc... AKA germ pits.
9. "that bitch or those bitches" - any mom who always has her makeup done, her hair perfectly done, pushing her 1000$ stroller while the nanny chases the kid, wearing Manolo's, with a smile on her face, talking about how the housekeeper was sick so she actually had to clean her own damn house, and making it all look so easy. (just typing this makes me want to punch these women in the face)
There are more but a 100lb heavy bag is calling my name!
1. AB - Abduction bag aka a purse large enough to sneak 1 newborn or twin preemies out of a hospital without being caught.
2. BJ - seriously? If you don't know exit this page right ...now.
3. GDD (my favorite of ALL acronyms) the good deep dicking
4. OTR - on the rag and this term is not used just for women.
5. DC - Devil child (you know the kids I'm talking about)
6. BM - obviously there are 2 definitions here but the one I am likely to use is Baby Momma as in Baby Momma drama.
7. "My bitches" - the whole gang of Disney Princess's
8. Hell - any communal gathering place of children like Chuckie Cheese, the play area in the mall, etc... AKA germ pits.
9. "that bitch or those bitches" - any mom who always has her makeup done, her hair perfectly done, pushing her 1000$ stroller while the nanny chases the kid, wearing Manolo's, with a smile on her face, talking about how the housekeeper was sick so she actually had to clean her own damn house, and making it all look so easy. (just typing this makes me want to punch these women in the face)
There are more but a 100lb heavy bag is calling my name!
The Birth of a Blog
After being diagnosed with Lyme disease, being very ill, having to retire from my job and apply for disability I have decided to start writing a blog to share my brutally honest advice, experiences, my favorite blogs, website, and best of all... my favorite products. I hope my blog grows to be the place people come to get a good laugh after a hard day.
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