While reading all of these Eastern Shore ISMS/Translations keep in mind.... I moved here 7 years ago, at the ripe old age of 25, from Owings Mills, Baltimore County. Additionally I had been working in Baltimore City for many years. That being said I love living here and wouldn't trade it for the world. But the things I see and hear still make me giggle.
1. Spelling is no indicator of how something is pronounced... For instance, Hoopers Island is pronounced Huppers Island and if you pronounce it with 2 O's you might as well scream "I am not from here and have no idea where I'm going." Also, trust me when I say this... Crapo is not pronounced the way you likely think it is and pronouncing it that way will offend all of its inhabitants. And speaking of Islands, my definition of an island is clearly quite different.
2. "You should see my country house or hunting property" is code for lets go park somewhere, make out and hope we don't get arrested for trespassing on this land I claimed to be mine.
3. White does not have a season or specific time of year when it should be worn... White boots are acceptable any time of year. Don't ask, I don't get it and odds are you won't either.
4. The local "mating call" involves large pick up trucks reving their engines.
5. When someone asks you the following "you hunt?" the correct response is not criminals.
6. Directions will likely involve some or all of the following statements: "go past the old Johnson house," "turn left where the water tower used to be," "you know the Miller's old house, it's just past that," "go a little ways and look for a tower, turn right there." It really doesn't matter what the directions are, you will not no where any of these things are or who these people are. Get a map (I did not say GPS cause I don't believe Gum Swamp is actually in the GPS system) study it, but still humor yourself from time to time by asking for directions. My favorite "direction" of all time over here is..... "if you hit the water you have gone to far, turn around and come back."
7. You will be called sweetheart, honey and hun so much you will have no idea when anyone is hitting on you.
8. Hugging is a way of life. Don't try to fight it, stop clenching your fists (I speak from experience), just hug it out and you will adapt.
9. Everyone is related. Seriously there are no 6 degrees of separation over here so choose your words carefully before you get an Ancestry.com print out to decide who you can and can't talk about in certain company.
10. Camo is a wardrobe staple. No one is trying to hide from you in Wawa. And at some point in your life you too will know what mossy oak camo looks life.
11. Going to the bakery, the store or Wawa to get coffee is code for going to some place where other people meet and tell me all of the good gossip.
12. "I got backed up in traffic" is code for "this f***ing piece of farm equipment was on Rt 50, I am pissed off and don't start with me."
13. In the summer time "I will be home shortly" means it will take me over an hour to go 20 miles and you will be lucky if I don't call you for bail money.
14. Watching all of the high school seniors drive to OC is an acceptable form of birth control.
15. Waving while driving. Again it is a way of life. Trust me they aren't giving you the finger and you should control the urge to reciprocate. Before you know it you will be waving at people who aren't from here and they will be giving you that weird look like "Do I know you?"
There are so many more but I am tired. I will continue this some other time when I am more alert.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Unless your in it, my vagina is not your business
Needless to say between retirement, personal crap and raising kids I haven't written in a while. All the same after watching the news recently I find myself outraged over the step back in time we are taking regarding women's rights. So excuse me while I go off and express my opinions on a bunch of white, upper class, men who want to make decisions about my vagina and sex life.
In the event someone should ask me why I want birth control let me just answer that now for you. I LIKE SEX, I FUCKING LOVE IT and I will not apologize for that. If you have time to ask me why I want birth control my guess is you aren't getting enough cause you have way to much time on your hands. Also, I have a child of my own who I love very much. I am poor, I often make shitty decisions with the men I sleep with so I really don't feel like getting knocked up by some jackass that seemed like a good idea at the time who most likely wouldn't pay child support. But thanks for asking anyway.
Now aside from the fact I like sex and dislike kids, medically I really don't want to bleed to death or deal with ovarian cysts on a regular basis. I know it sounds crazy but both of those scenarios pretty much suck.
Now to the men who are passing legislation or introducing legislation (yes Georgia I am talking to you) that equates women to farm animals I reserve a special place in my heart for you folks. I am an educated woman who has worked in fields you wouldn't dare dirty your hands with. Jobs that are just beneath you. You know jobs where you actually have to have people skills and compassion. Right, I forgot you don't know what those things are. I don't know what laws there are in Georgia but I feel certain equating women to fucking farm animals could upset women so badly they could be rendered not criminally responsible due to a possible psychotic break by your insensitive wishes that they carry a still born child until their body delivers it. Again, you are all men and have no idea what it is like to carry a child. Take this as a hint from God that you bastards have no heart and couldn't put the health and welfare of an unborn child ahead of your selfish ways. Being a man you have never known the pain and hurt of a miscarriage or still born child. Let me assure you that the pain is beyond words, the loss is life long and there is no cure for the trauma caused by the lose of a child. The idea of forcing a woman to carry a child that is no longer alive is barbaric and you deserve a special place in hell that I usually reserve for child molesters only.
I am PRO CHOICE. That doesn't mean I support and want abortions. It means that I believe it isn't my business to force decisions on other people. Having a child is a life long decision and whatever decisions another woman makes are hers to live with, not me.
I will reserve my comments on trying to outlaw porn (seriously why is this even a topic of discussion) for now but rest assured I will revisit them later. For now let me finish by saying this... Unless you are in my vagina, it isn't your business. If you want to make it your business I suggest you go to med school and become and OB/GYN. I am pretty sure you will fail the bedside manner section but what do I know, I am just a WOMAN.
In the event someone should ask me why I want birth control let me just answer that now for you. I LIKE SEX, I FUCKING LOVE IT and I will not apologize for that. If you have time to ask me why I want birth control my guess is you aren't getting enough cause you have way to much time on your hands. Also, I have a child of my own who I love very much. I am poor, I often make shitty decisions with the men I sleep with so I really don't feel like getting knocked up by some jackass that seemed like a good idea at the time who most likely wouldn't pay child support. But thanks for asking anyway.
Now aside from the fact I like sex and dislike kids, medically I really don't want to bleed to death or deal with ovarian cysts on a regular basis. I know it sounds crazy but both of those scenarios pretty much suck.
Now to the men who are passing legislation or introducing legislation (yes Georgia I am talking to you) that equates women to farm animals I reserve a special place in my heart for you folks. I am an educated woman who has worked in fields you wouldn't dare dirty your hands with. Jobs that are just beneath you. You know jobs where you actually have to have people skills and compassion. Right, I forgot you don't know what those things are. I don't know what laws there are in Georgia but I feel certain equating women to fucking farm animals could upset women so badly they could be rendered not criminally responsible due to a possible psychotic break by your insensitive wishes that they carry a still born child until their body delivers it. Again, you are all men and have no idea what it is like to carry a child. Take this as a hint from God that you bastards have no heart and couldn't put the health and welfare of an unborn child ahead of your selfish ways. Being a man you have never known the pain and hurt of a miscarriage or still born child. Let me assure you that the pain is beyond words, the loss is life long and there is no cure for the trauma caused by the lose of a child. The idea of forcing a woman to carry a child that is no longer alive is barbaric and you deserve a special place in hell that I usually reserve for child molesters only.
I am PRO CHOICE. That doesn't mean I support and want abortions. It means that I believe it isn't my business to force decisions on other people. Having a child is a life long decision and whatever decisions another woman makes are hers to live with, not me.
I will reserve my comments on trying to outlaw porn (seriously why is this even a topic of discussion) for now but rest assured I will revisit them later. For now let me finish by saying this... Unless you are in my vagina, it isn't your business. If you want to make it your business I suggest you go to med school and become and OB/GYN. I am pretty sure you will fail the bedside manner section but what do I know, I am just a WOMAN.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Your body should not be a scavenger hunt!
I shall pause for a minute while I prepare to get hate mail from a lot of my female friends. Sorry guys... Meanwhile the men will be singing my praises.
I am a firm believer in personal lanscaping. Maybe it's cause I don't like hair but it really doesn't matter. I know for a fact that when we go to the beach the majority of women nearly lose their lunch at the sight of a man with back hair. You know the men that put Teen Wolf to shame. I feel sick even talking about it. So with that in mind why are so many women opposed to the brazilian? If we nearly puke at the sight of back hair how do you think men feel when they see your crotch?
Men should not have to wrestle their way through thick brush like it's a damn scavenger hunt. And if you make them do that, well.... the prize better be mind blowing.
Now I can hear the women saying "I'm a mom, I have no time" "I work and am lucky to have time to shave my legs" and the new moms are probably saying "what day is it I can't remember when I last showered." While I have been there and done that, trust me when I say grooming is one thing you can not let slide.
I get the whole concept that you don't want so some large strange woman named Gerta ripping out every hair on your crotch and telling you to get on your knees and put your ass up. But I'm thinking your fine motor skills and shaving such a sensitive area may not be the best idea. So I support the Gerta's of the world and thank them for their skills. Lord knows I sure as hell couldn't do that for a living.
I think if you ask your significant other they would gladly shell out the money for a brazilian. I suggest you take some Aleve, have a margarita, pack your sense of humor and head out to your appointment with Gerta.
No hair down there = a man who is happy to please you and really has no idea whether or not your hair and makeup are done. That saves you time right there.
I am a firm believer in personal lanscaping. Maybe it's cause I don't like hair but it really doesn't matter. I know for a fact that when we go to the beach the majority of women nearly lose their lunch at the sight of a man with back hair. You know the men that put Teen Wolf to shame. I feel sick even talking about it. So with that in mind why are so many women opposed to the brazilian? If we nearly puke at the sight of back hair how do you think men feel when they see your crotch?
Men should not have to wrestle their way through thick brush like it's a damn scavenger hunt. And if you make them do that, well.... the prize better be mind blowing.
Now I can hear the women saying "I'm a mom, I have no time" "I work and am lucky to have time to shave my legs" and the new moms are probably saying "what day is it I can't remember when I last showered." While I have been there and done that, trust me when I say grooming is one thing you can not let slide.
I get the whole concept that you don't want so some large strange woman named Gerta ripping out every hair on your crotch and telling you to get on your knees and put your ass up. But I'm thinking your fine motor skills and shaving such a sensitive area may not be the best idea. So I support the Gerta's of the world and thank them for their skills. Lord knows I sure as hell couldn't do that for a living.
I think if you ask your significant other they would gladly shell out the money for a brazilian. I suggest you take some Aleve, have a margarita, pack your sense of humor and head out to your appointment with Gerta.
No hair down there = a man who is happy to please you and really has no idea whether or not your hair and makeup are done. That saves you time right there.
Friday, March 2, 2012
your bra could get you shanked!!
I used to live in Baltimore and definitely have a city mentality. If you don't know what shanked means well you have probably never been locked up. But just replace that word with any other crime like assualt, being shot, etc...
I have seen lots of commercials for bras (I wont name the companies but they are obvious) that have enough padding to add 1, 2 and even 3 cup sizes for you. Where I come from we call that false advertising. Let's play out this scenario real quick and you will realize how this could be hazardous to your health.
You are a B cup, but you buy one of these bras and throw it on for a night out. So now you take your bra created DD's out and everyone takes notice. You and a guy hit it off and he invites you back to his place. One thing leads to another and you get naked at which point he realizes he isn't going to get to motorboat DD's. Imagine first his disappointment followed quickly by his anger since I'm sure there were plenty of other DD chicks there that he passed up due to your false advertising. If you pull this crap in the city it could very well end badly. All because you paid 60 bucks to add enough padding to make people think you had a huge rack.
Since I am a mom to a little girl I have to stop being funny for 2 minutes and say the following: love who you are, the boobs and ass God gave you, and don't add cup sizes in hopes of getting a guy cause odds are he won't exactly be a winner.
I should also say this probably applies to adding padding to your ass. Something I will never EVER understand.
I have seen lots of commercials for bras (I wont name the companies but they are obvious) that have enough padding to add 1, 2 and even 3 cup sizes for you. Where I come from we call that false advertising. Let's play out this scenario real quick and you will realize how this could be hazardous to your health.
You are a B cup, but you buy one of these bras and throw it on for a night out. So now you take your bra created DD's out and everyone takes notice. You and a guy hit it off and he invites you back to his place. One thing leads to another and you get naked at which point he realizes he isn't going to get to motorboat DD's. Imagine first his disappointment followed quickly by his anger since I'm sure there were plenty of other DD chicks there that he passed up due to your false advertising. If you pull this crap in the city it could very well end badly. All because you paid 60 bucks to add enough padding to make people think you had a huge rack.
Since I am a mom to a little girl I have to stop being funny for 2 minutes and say the following: love who you are, the boobs and ass God gave you, and don't add cup sizes in hopes of getting a guy cause odds are he won't exactly be a winner.
I should also say this probably applies to adding padding to your ass. Something I will never EVER understand.
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