My whole life I have dated older, more "seasoned" men. Now, at the age of 32 I find myself with options that are younger. While trying to embrace the whole "cougar" concept I have found myself thinking "nope, I am just too old." So for all of you ladies getting hit on by younger men be prepared for some, if not all, of the following things to happen.
1. "I'm gonna hit it." - Step back in time, it's like 1994 to 1998, I am walking down the boradwalk in Ocean City with my 2 best friends and some random guy yells "can I hit that?" which is the less confident version of "I'm gonna hit it." To the best of my knowledge, keeping in mind my memory sucks, this line didn't work back then. Now, fast forward to present day. When I hear it now the first thing that comes to mind is that statement involves some form of assault. Thank God I box and feel confident that if someone hit me I would hit back. I then realize this does not involve punching me (or at least they didn't indicate a kinky side that also involves hitting me) and is an attempt to get in my pants. I immediately feel REALLY old since no one has said that to me in over a decade. I also think, note to self, tell my daughter if any guy ever asks to "hit it" she better punch him and run. The next thing that comes racing through my mind and also causes complete panic is what sex was like back in the day when guys used that line. I don't know of anyone who thinks to themselves "yup the best sex is the kind where I try to play air traffic control directing a jack rabbit to touchdown at a location he can't find on the radar." BUT THEN, just when I think the whole younger man thing should be written off, it dawns on me.... Stamina! I bet the boy has stamina!! And since odds are he graduated from some school in the last decade I bet he is still teachable!!
2. Abbreviations - Ok, I try to be cool but seriously if Google didn't exist I would really have no clue as to what ROTFL means. Actually I'm not even sure if I know what that means right now. When I was younger we all had pagers which we called beepers cause we were cool like that. And when we took beeping someone to the next level we sent numbers that had to be translated into words or better yet numbers that spell something when you turn it upside down. Now I find myself attached to my phone getting texts that say lol, lmao, rotfl, and a whole bunch of other things that I do not know the meaning of. I'm sitting here thinking are they laughing at me or at what I wrote. It's so confusing. And at least once a day I have the pleasure of making myself really feel old by giving up, replying and asking what the hell some damn abbreviation means. I have decided instead of feeling old I am going to make up my own abbreviations and make the young ones feel like they are out of the loop. Something like FDLCGU which is obviously "fell down laughing can't get up." or LSHIP which is clearly "laughed so hard I peed."
3. Selling out younger females - Now I don't ever do this on purpose but if you know me well I really have no filter. I say what I want and I think later. More times than I care to count I have found myself saying to some young guy, usually in a social setting "Are you shitting me? You bought that crap?" My response is usually after I hear one of the following things. 1) She doesn't suck dick because of her gag reflex. 2) Oh she has her period 7 out of the 30 days in a month 3) We have to have all of the lights turned off. and my personal favorite 4) we don't have toys cause I make her cum every time we have sex. I am in such disbelief I have been known to sell out younger females to random strange men in bars. Listen up... if there were a guy that could make any woman cum every single time they have sex, without the use of a toy I would know him and he would be mine!! I can not believe that young men fall for this shit. It really upsets me to think the eligible men that I may stumble upon are dumb enough to buy this crap. Then I am puzzled.... I didn't know these lines actually worked. I suck at lying so I never attempted to use them thinking I would be called out immediately. I feel like this is the holy grail of cougarism. Who knew you could get away with these lines. And no wonder younger guys are after women who are a little more experienced. Hell we don't have to whip out our whole bag of tricks, just do more than the above listed nonsense, and you will still be impressed. This is fabulous news to me since that bar trick I used to do where I put my leg behind my head would probably cause a broken hip at my age.
4. Music - This topic alone causes me to feel old nearly every single day. There are classic songs that I think everyone should know. When I mention these songs to a man under a certain age I get that look. You know the look you used to give your parents when they would talk about something that clearly only old people would understand. Yup, that look. If I have to explain how Marvin Gaye has gotten more pants off than any other man I feel less cougarish and just really old. I had no idea younger people didn't know who Mr. Big is. Or have never heard the song "More than words." And seriously if you haven't slow danced to Peter Gabriel's "In your eyes" you just haven't lived. Then there is the flip side to this situation. When a younger guy says "hey listen to this song, it reminds me of you." First of all I feel old cause back in my day we made each other mix tapes with all of our songs on it. So, I go to iTunes, find the song, download it and listen. Never fails... I can't understand what the hell is being said (yup, I feel old) so I have to go and google the song so I can read the lyrics. If the song was supposed to turn me on or allow the person to "hit it" that ain't happening cause I now feel old as shit and too much like a parent cause I want to scream "this kind of music causes hearing loss." What's crazy is I can see why this whole topic still has an upside if you attempt the cougar life. Odds are 20 other men haven't dedicated THAT song to you during couples skate on a Friday night, unlike the ones I mentioned above.
There are so many other topics I could mention but I haven't exactly found a way to feel sexy and cougarish while discussing them. If I find a way to embrace a boy wanting to "hit it in his parents house cause thats where he lives" I will let everyone know. Until then I'm going to stop feeling old, embrace the upside to younger men, pray to God I never have to deal with a jack rabbit, visit Urban Dictionary on a daily basis to try and keep up with the abbreviations, and work out so I never sustain a SRI which is obviously a sex related injury. Duh!
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